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 Behaviors that Hurt and What you can do differently.
Negative behavior kills our opportunities to get closer to
people. In fact it hurts others and drives them away, eventually causing serious
damage to the strongest of relationships.
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Then why is it, when our desire is to love, be a friend, or
just be helpful to others do engage in behaviors that hurt? Is it the need
to feel important? To be in control, not able to let go, or just gain some
attention? If we know what the motivator is that keeps us engaged in destructive
patterns we can change them.
The first important step is to be aware of the behavior you
participate in.
Second and just as important, ask yourself - what do you get out
of the negative behavior? Are you feeling insignificant to those around you,
and think you appear to be better than others by knocking down someone’s
idea? Are you needing to feel better about yourself?
Third, decide what your goal is in the relationship or situation
and what you will do to change the pattern. Do you want to be able to contribute
to the relationship, partnership, or idea?
Whether it’s your behaviors or someone else’s,
here are some of the most common destructive behaviors and suggestions on how
to deal with them:
Criticism
Finding something wrong with others ideas and making it wrong is criticism.
If it’s your behavior try…
1. For one week go without criticizing anyone or anything.
2. Offer an idea of how it might work.
If it’s someone else’s behavior…
1. Ask them if they could go for one week without criticizing you.
2. Respond with “that’s interesting, I will consider that.”
One Up Manship
Interrupting with stories that make the other
persons idea insignificant, or implying your idea is better, is one-up-manship.
If it’s your behavior…
1. Share in the other person’s glory and be happy for them.
2. Don’t come back with a story that makes theirs seem less important.
If it’s someone else’s behavior…
1. Say “every time I share a triumph, it seem’s you come up with
one better, making mine insignificant.”
2. Respond with “Wow, that’s even better”, they will very
likely realize what they just did.
Sarcasm
Hidden in jokes, this one is hard to catch.
Sarcastic comments are 90% anger, and almost always hurts someone.
If it’s your behavior…
1. Don’t make jokes at someone else’s expense, chances are you are
making fun of them. It hurts.
2. Tell the other person what is really bothering you and how it affects you.
If it’s someone else’s behavior…
1. Be direct, ask them to “Cut it out!” Asking them why they said
that will only invite them to say more hurtful things.
2. Respond firmly with “that isn’t funny at all”, or “you’re
making fun of me”
Passive Aggressive
When we don’t take responsibility for our
own actions, we often resort to passive aggressive behavior. Another
hard one to catch, this behavior usually appears when someone tries to blame or
accuse the other party for a decision that failed. The hardest part is to identify
that it is happening. It often comes in unclear or confusing messages.
If it’s your behavior…
1. Take responsibility for your part in the decision.
2. Don’t sit on the fence and then blame others for failed results.
If it’s someone else’s behavior…
1. Respond with “stop blaming and accusing me right now.”
2. Confront it by asking “what are you trying to say?”
Name Calling
Calling someone a “jerk,” or telling them they
are stupid is name calling and doesn’t do anyone any
good. In fact it provokes and causes more anger.
If it’s your behavior…
1. Stop doing it!
2. Name what the problem is, not what you think the person is.
If it’s someone else’s behavior…
1. Firmly say “don’t call me names, tell me what I’m doing
that isn’t working, don’t call me names”
2. Ask calmly yet firmly “what did I do that makes me a jerk?” You
want to get to the behavior that is causing the problem.
Using these ideas will make an immediate difference in how
you feel about yourself and the response you get from others. Engaging in any
one of the destructive behaviors mentioned above cause immediate and long term
damage. If tempers fly leave the situation. If the problem in your relationship
is severe, seek the help of a counselor. You've got nothing to lose but hurt!
Recommended Reading: The
Verbally Abusive Relationship
Other articles you may find interesting:
Life
After Abuse, Is There a Rainbow?
Why
Did She Stay in an Abusive Relationship?
Codependent
Relationships: Takers and Caretakers
I’ve
Apologized a Thousand Times!
Relationship
Problems Begin With Poor Communication
Why
So Much Infidelity?
*The articles published on this site undergo our review
process. We found the information in this article to be very useful and informative.
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