Don't Make These Mistakes When Searching For Love Online!

by Terri Arnold, MS

"I spent my life searching for the perfect woman. I finally found her but alas, she was searching for the perfect man. " . . . Anonymous

I was a professional matchmaker for several years - trying to help singles meet others with whom they shared common interests and complementary personality traits. I met with my clients in person and they were screened to ascertain their real names, addresses, education, marital status. Most importantly, I tried to help them determine the type of person they were really seeking and that's where most of the problems arose.

Even though my clients verbalized that they were happy to be matched based upon compatibility, this was not true! The major problems I encountered were:

1) A number of clients were seeking others mainly based on appearance.

I would show each new client photos of existing clients based on their characteristics as well as their appearance. Unattractive people sometimes became offended when I matched them with their physical counterparts. A dowdy sixtyish woman asked me, "Is that what you think of me?" when I attempted to match her with men in her age and looks category.

Many clients seemed to be totally unaware of how they looked to others and wanted matches that were highly inappropriate. With these people, compatibility had no bearing on their matches. They wanted the best looking people in my book!

2) Some clients refused to compromise - even when matched with someone they liked!

I matched two extremely overweight people who liked each other immediately and went out on several dates. Before their last meeting for a Sunday movie date, the woman asked to meet at 7:00 pm instead of the 5:30 show. The man became annoyed, broke the date, and immediately ended their budding relationship.

He, who was a part-time telemarketer, told me he needed time on Sunday evenings "to get ready for his work on Monday." Because she needed to reschedule their date, he was totally turned off to her regardless of his prior interest and their compatibility.

3) Others had a Wish List for their Perfect Person and expected me to find the person on that list for them.

One divorced man in his late 30's expressed a desire for a woman who had a specific type of nose. (Really!) A never-married woman in her early 30's with pale blonde hair and very light skin wanted a man with very, very dark skin (but not an African-American), who earned at minimum $75,000 per year, was not in Sales, had never been married and had no children.

I had twelve men who matched her description in my database but she found something wrong with each one and refused to go out with any of them. She then complained about my service and was upset because she 'had not had even one date'. AARRGGHH!!!

An Indian medical student saw her photo and was instantly smitten. They had many things in common and each was what the other was seeking. He was very excited about meeting her; however, before they met, he wanted a guarantee of a successful relationship, which I of course could not give him. They never met and as far as I know, both are still single and searching.....

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My advice: Don't shoot yourself in the foot! If you are meeting a lot of people and just can't seem to connect, ask yourself if you really want a relationship.

Are you ready and willing to be close with another person? If you constantly find fault with others, ask yourself these questions and be a bit more tolerant. Don't expect to find your perfect person because he or she does not exist.

Be happy if you find Ms. or Mr. Almost-Perfect. Good luck!

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Terri Arnold, MS, has been a Psychotherapist for 20+ years. Her fields of expertise are in the areas of Mental Health, Domestic Violence and Substance Abuse. She also owned and operated a brick-and-mortar dating service for several years and was responsible for a number of marriages and long-term relationships. www.neshami-jewish-singles.com

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