By: Karyl E. Pope

“I’ve told her I’m sorry a thousand times and she still keeps harping and harping on the same old things”. This is a complaint that echoes down through the 30 years I have been in practice. It may be that your wife is a vengeful bitter woman who will accept nothing short of your head on a platter for what you have done to hurt her. But in my experience in most cases something much simpler will work. Perhaps she has put up with being treated unfairly for many years. If you are now trying to improve, you may feel frustrated because she won’t “forgive and forget”. You would like her to stop complaining and give you some praise for the things you are now doing right. If this sounds familiar to you, this advice on how to apologize may help.

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Perhaps she is not “getting” these 4 things:

1) That you really are taking her complaint seriously

2) That you truly understand the extent of the unfairness and the pain you have caused her

3) That you actually feel some pain about the unfair and un-necessary pain that you have caused her

4) That you really are committed to making sure that you never ever do the same thing, or anything like it, again.

Many men do not allow themselves to feel the hurts that they experience in their daily relationships, both at work and at home. They may feel that it would be a sign of weakness, or worse, femininity. They may have been shamed or ridiculed for showing pain as a child. If they are unable to take their own pain seriously, how can they take seriously, the pain of those close to them? Many of the men I see have old hurts from childhood that they still refuse to acknowledge as hurts, let alone feel the pain of those hurts. A traditional male attitude that we often see, when the wife complains that he hurt her, is “It’s no big deal. Get over it.” If you even just think those words to yourself, let alone say them to a spouse who is crying or worse, shutting down, because she has been feeling discounted, not valued, used, not respected, controlled, bulldozed over or ignored for some time, you might as well pour gasoline on a fire. By adding salt to the accumulated wounds of many years, you may be putting the finishing touches on your relationship. Chances are she will have quite a collection of hurts by the time you really get that you need to do something different. And if you think changing partners would be easier, think again. Divorces are messy, long, painful and terribly expensive. And especially if you have children, you will feel the pain of that divorce for the rest of your life.

If you could learn a simple and effective way to apologize, that actually worked, wouldn’t that be easier? Try it.

Next time she expresses hurt over something that you consider trivial, try this: (If it is very hard for you to admit any faults or weaknesses in yourself, you may need a good therapist to help you with these).

1. Admit and describe the damage, not just what you did or failed to do. Here are some examples of this:

2. Tell her that you feel really bad about treating her that way and let her know that you fully understand the kind of feelings such behaviour would cause in her.

3. Give her some time and space to work out her feelings. Don’t insist that she forgive you immediately. Try saying:

• “I don’t blame you for feeling discouraged and hopeless (or hurt, humiliated, angry, unloved – whatever you perceive her to be feeling). I would feel that way too if you treated me like that”

4. Do whatever is in your power to repair the damage.

• "From now on I will let you know at all times exactly where I am and I promise you that I will be exactly where I say I will be at the time I say I will be there”
• “From now on when we go out I will be very careful to remember to think of your feelings and not just of my own. I promise not to ever leave you alone the whole time, to include you when I am talking to others, and to try to talk with men or couples as much as possible rather than with single women”
• “From now on I will listen carefully when you tell me about what you like. I will also talk to our friends or your family, well in advance, for ideas of what you might like for a present for your birthday or our anniversary. I promise not to let those occasions be last on my list any more”.

5. Do what you can to repair the relationship. Tell her how much she really means to you. Tell her what you would miss about her if you lost her. Tell her that you don’t want to lose her. Tell her that you love her and tell her what you love about her.

I can almost guarantee that, if you are able to follow the above instructions, she will accept your apologies and you will no longer have to apologize over and over for the same offence.

It Works If You Work!

Other articles that may interest you:

• Behaviors That Hurt
• Relationship Problems Begin With Poor Communication
• How to Recover From Bloopers, Blunders and Faux Pas

Compliments of Karyl Pope & Associates www.kpopeassoc.on.ca

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