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by: Karyl Pope, BScN, RN
Love at first sight is a lovely romantic idea. Almost everyone
would like to experience it. Some remember it fondly for the rest of their
lives. It goes something like the song:
Some enchanted evening
You will see a stranger
Across a crowded room
And somehow you know
You’ll know even then
That somehow you’ll see her
Again and again.
The myth of love at first sight has just enough truth
in it to keep it alive forever. People do have sudden passionate attachments,
and sometimes they
last quite a few years. But the attachment is based on fantasy, not the real
person. That wonderful “Other” is actually a collage made of fragments
of ideas, old experiences, hopes and dreams—old memory bits from things
that happened when you were very small, or things that you imagined or dreamt
about.
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The
Practical Romantic
The Practical
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There might be an unconscious memory of a magic moment with Mommy
or Daddy when they were 24 and you were 2 months old. That small child is
still
alive
in your unconscious. He experiences a lightening flash of recognition. He responds
with excitement and joy at what feels like a magical answer to a lifetime prayer.
On
that enchanted evening, your Inner Child will not appreciate being confronted
with logic or facts. This is volcanic passion, like no other relationship.
The Other is an obsession and almost nothing else matters.
Both partners are caught up in this wonderful illusion. You are both ecstatically
playing out your own individual dramas. Your drama has little to do with
the one your partner is playing, except that it is complementary.
But because it
is a house built on the sand, it cannot survive the difficult decisions, challenges
and compromises that life requires of us all. In the
worst scenario, you feel increasingly disappointed and betrayed by your partner,
and she feels the same. Often people carry that bitterness and disillusionment
for many years after the breakup.
In the best scenario, you and your partner
gradually blend myth with reality, gradually coming to know and accept parts
of each other that do not fit the
love myth. You are able to overcome your denial of reality, tolerate the disappointment
and make the best of the real person you are slowly discovering in the other.
You are slowly able to let go of the childhood longing and the fantasy that
the longing might so quickly and easily be fulfilled. You learn skills to manage
the not-so-wonderful person who emerges once the fog begins to lift.
Falling in love? Once you are really able
to see and accept what you do not have—a magic, instant, and perfect solution
to your every problem and need—you are able to make plans and develop
skills that will give you a real chance at getting what you want.
Other articles you may find interesting:
Compliments of Karyl Pope & Associates www.kpopeassoc.on.ca/.
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